


Two Fantasy Idiots Talk to Each Other

by Libelli



Category: Gentleman Bastard Sequence - Scott Lynch, Kingkiller Chronicles - Patrick Rothfuss
Genre: Bisexual Characters, Bisexuality, Conversations, Demisexual Characters, Demisexuality, Gen, I'm sorry Patrick Rothfuss, I'm sorry Scott Lynch, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pride, Screenplay/Script Format, Spoilers, Strong Language, This Is STUPID, but if you like it, im not sorry, this is a meme
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 12:15:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14020038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Libelli/pseuds/Libelli
Summary: Locke Lamora and Kvothe. Different universes. Different stories. Different careers. But are the two characters themselves that different?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, the Gentleman Bastards Sequence and the Kingkiller Chronicles are two of my favorite series of all time, and I thought it was funny how similar Locke and Kvothe are. So, I wrote this one night at like 1 AM, and am now putting it out there for people to read. This is supposed to be funny, so that's why it's weird. (Besides I'm not sure if any other person out there is in both of these fandoms besides me)

Locke: “The fuck are you?”

Kvothe: “An arcanist. You?”

Locke: “The best thief. Ever.”

Kvothe: “I used to be a thief...I was bad at it, but I was one.”

Locke: “I was the best and still am the best.”

Kvothe: “Shut up, it’s not like we have anything else in common.”

Locke: “Yeah its not like you have a secret past you don’t want to remember and you have a different name and everything.”

Kvothe: “...”

Kvothe: “What about a mysterious girlfriend that just shows whenever and low key hates you even though you love her with all your heart.”

Locke: “SHIT WHAT ABOUT MAGIC ASSHOLES THAT ARE LIKE LEGENDARY, AND DO NOT INTERACT WITH NORMAL PEOPLE-”

Kvothe: “-BUT CHOSE TO MESS UP YOUR LIFE.”

Locke: “...”

Kvothe: “...”

Both: “I’m good at acting.”

Locke: “...”

Kvothe: “...”

Both: “My best friend only knows my real name.”

Kvothe: “Well my apprentice.”

Locke: “Ah, good for you, branching out.”

Locke: “I almost caused half of Camorr to get burned down.”

Kvothe: “I destroyed Trebon. Like the _entire_ town.” 

Locke: “I got adopted by a weird old guy.”

Kvothe: “Bitch same.”

Locke: “...”

Kvothe: “...”

Kvothe: “Constantly surrounded by idiots?”

Locke: “Don’t get me started.”

 

 

 

Bast: “So you have one too?”

Jean: “Yup.”

 

 

 

 

 

BONUS: 

Kvothe: “What about inner turmoil? Your own thoughts of self doubt and despair plunge you into a swirling darkness that is so hard to claw out of that you weren’t the person you used to be and are still haunted by and relapse into it?”

Locke: “DiD We JUsT BecOmE BeSt FRieNdS?!?!”

Bast: “RESHI NO.”

Jean: “GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, LOCKE. I LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR FIVE SECONDS-”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kvothe laments the Doors of Stone still not being out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I read the whole Locke Lamora series before the King Killer Chronicle.

*Kvothe lying face down on the ground, screaming, like the Muppet from that one scene on the train in the Muppets Movie.*  
*Locke sitting in a bean bag chair next to him, nodding.*: I know, I know.   
*Jean walks in sipping Starbucks*: What’s happening in here?  
Locke: It finally happened to him.   
Jean: What did?  
Kvothe: IIIIIIIII dooooooon’t haaaaave anotheeer boooook.  
Jean: Ah,   
*Kvothe sitting up*: I mean, what happens next? Right now I’m just sitting there. When will I get to do stuff again?!  
Locke *grumbling*: At least you left off on a happy part.  
Jean: Man, I wish this was tea.  
Locke: No one asked you, Jean.  
*Bast from the other room*: If we want to get technical, Reshi’s ribs are broken, he’s waiting to die, and I’m murdering people with fire.  
*Kvothe flopping face down on the ground again*: Guuuuys…  
*Jean hands Locke the coffee*  
Locke: What’s this?  
*Jean walking out*: You need it more than I do.   
Locke: Please bring me something to mix with this.  
Jean: Okay, Kvothe, what about you?  
Kvothe *still facedown*: Vodka.  
*Jean leaves*   
Locke: Calm, down you’ve been like this since 2011.  
Kvothe: And you’ve been like this since 2013. How do you have chill?  
Locke: Dude, that ending was so fucked I blocked it from my memory until I can go be a character again.   
Kvothe: Fair.   
Locke: ...  
Kvothe: …  
Locke: So your ending was happy?  
Kvothe: Yeah, I was getting fancy dinner with my friends.  
Locke: Lucky bastard.  
*Kvothe continues screaming into the carpet like a muppet*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who just finished The Wise Man's Fear???????


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Locke did not know Kvothe was still a teenager.

Locke *walks into Kvothe’s room*: Hey. 

Kvothe *playing  _ Mario Kart _ *: What is it i’m kinda busy. 

Locke: Jean, Bast, and I are going to go see  _ Deadpool 2 _ , you in?

Kvothe *still looking at the screen playing. Yoshi in front of him has just been blue shelled*.: I don’t know, you think I could pass?

Locke: Pass for what?

Kvothe: An adult?

Locke:  _ Wait _ . How old are you?!

Kvothe *pausing his game and turning to face Locke*: 17. 

Locke: …

Kvothe: Well, if we’re counting the me telling the story to Chronicler I’m like in my late twenties, early thirties, but the Kvothe you’re currently talking to is the one from the main part of the story because the writer of this fic likes that one better-

Locke: …

Kvothe: -but even then I don’t even know if I  _ am _ 17\. Like all that time in the fae realm really fucked me up, because I was there for at least a year, and-

Locke: oH mY GoD You’Re A Kid!

Kvothe: what no.

Locke: You’re a kid!

Kvothe: I prefer ‘young adult’. 

Locke: Whatever, I can’t believe it. I just thought you were the same age as me this whole time. 

Kvothe: Really? Why?

Locke: Y’know, you’ve just done a lot.

Kvothe: So have you? What the heck were you doing when you were 17?

Locke *sweating*: I did theater camp over the summer. 

Kvothe: …. 

Locke: …. 

Kvothe: ….

Locke: ….

Kvothe: So,  _ Deadpool 2 _ ?

Locke: Yeah, Jean’s driving, be ready in like fifteen minutes?

Kvothe: Sure. See you down there.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its Pride Month Every Month.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm publishing this chapter in July, but who cares its pride every single month. Personally, when I was reading the Wise Man's Fear, I thought Kvothe was bisexual, and somewhere I saw a post that Locke was demisexual (which I agreed with). So I decided to write this to celebrate that aspect of the two of them. (even though its a little late)

*Locke, Kvothe, and Bast are chilling in the living room of the house I guess they all live in for plot purposes. They are all sitting on beanbags. Locke is watching Netflix on his phone. Kvothe and Bast are reading.*

*Loud and hurried stomping is coming from up the stairs.*

*Kvothe and Bast look up from their books. Locke takes out one ear bud and pauses his episode of  _ Orange is the New Black _ .*

*Kvothe looks very confused at Locke and Locke just shrugs. The stomping has gotten louder.*

*The door swings open. Jean almost falls down he opened the door so fast. He is out of breath and leans against the door frame.*

Locke: Jean, what the fuck?

Jean: we missed pride month.

*silence falls over the room. No one moves. Not until Locke places his phone down, he stands, and straightens his shirt.*

Locke *quietly*: every month is pride month.

*chaos erupts* 

*Bast makes rainbow confetti rain from the ceiling*

Side Note: idk if he can do that, but we’re rolling with it.

*Kvothe pulls out his lute and starts playing  _ Africa _ by Toto.*

*Locke and Jean pull out a multitude of flags from one of their many con chests they have lying around. Locke ties a demisexual flag around his neck like a cape. Jean hands Kvothe a bisexual flag, Kvothe takes it and keeps on playing.* 

Kvothe: I BLESS THE RAINS DOWN IN AFRICAAAA

*Everyone dances and waves around their flags.*


End file.
